Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
