We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
