i can't believe i had my finger in that
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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