I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
