I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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