five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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