Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
