I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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