last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
