You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
