Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
