I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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