Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
