before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
