Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
