ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
