your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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