please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
