I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
