God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
