I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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