I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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