Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
