I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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