I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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