You're my little dorito
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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