He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
try to milk me bitch
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
