I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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