Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
