I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
