Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
