My Higher Power is John Stamos
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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