Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
