If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My life is pants optional.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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