The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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