wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
