alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
