Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
he had hair everywhere except his balls
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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