i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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