im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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