I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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