I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
