So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
