Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
