What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
