Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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