Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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