Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
