Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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