Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
