new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
